Squats, bench presses and biceps curls do little to prepare the body for the physical demands of BJJ. The success of a strength and conditioning program , without exception, requires improvement of attributes relevant to a sport’s performance. Attributes relevant to all sport performance include:
skill
strength
speed
flexibility
endurance
recovery
psychology
Sports and other physical activities differ in terms of the expression of these attributes. BJJ has its own (very) specific needs! Most attempts at strength and conditioning for BJJ fail due to lack specificity. Exercises and stretches emphasize the wrong muscles at incorrect speeds for inappropriate duration. Non specific programs result in compromised recovery, poorer technique and low self-esteem!
Brazilian Jiujitsu is a sport which demands a lot of energy. Some adapt extremely well to the demands and their bodies become better able to express energy – both in the short term (strength) as well as the long term (endurance). Others adapt less well. Poor adaptation can stem from many causes. Oftentimes, the demands of ordinary sport participation ((practice and competition) are insufficient. These “deficiencies in demand” can be corrected by adding “supplemental” forms of training. Strength and conditioning is not a sport. It is a special form of supplemental training that targets deficiencies in demand for the purpose of fulfilling an athlete’s potential to express energy.
To maximize the benefits of strength and conditioning, it is useful to understand that strength and conditioning is supplemental and it is meant to correct deficiencies. This mental reference should encourage the careful addition of training stress. Some parts of an athlete’s body will be severely overtrained (short-term potential fulfilled) while others may be significantly undertrained (short-term potential unfulfilled). Most often, I see martial artists being smashed by extensive whole-body programs that simply wreck recovery and discourage participation. If an athlete’s stress tolerance only has room for additional grip and neck strengthening why are they doing squats, deadlifts, box jumps, HIIT, bench presses, kettlebell snatches and monkey contortions? Most programs for martial artists have zero benefits – only drawbacks. A weight room and strength equipment are a massive benefit as they allow training to be precise and predictable. For example, it is possible to measurably increase an athlete’s grip strength while completely avoiding stress to areas that may be vulnerable (such as their lower back, neck, knees shoulders etc.).
Exercises which bear no resemblance to BJJ abilities simply amount to more soreness and injuries with zero benefit
The whole point of strength and conditioning is to improve performance via increasing the potential to express energy. You want more energy at your disposal when you execute BJJ specific abilities like arm bars, grip breaking, chokes, framing, over-hooking, under-hooking, escapes, takedowns etc. etc. Always keep in mind our bodies will only enhance the energy expression capabilities of the systems that receive the demand. Clearly, strengthening your butt will not result in an improved ability to finish a rear naked choke. Strength and conditioning exercises must match abilities in terms of posture, muscle use, speed, duration and force output. This requirement for “specificity” is very nuanced – few athletes and coaches get it! For now, please consider that if the exercise you are performing (or contemplating performing) doesn’t look or feel very similar to the ability you want to enhance it is likely worthless. Consider as well that anyone teaching strength and conditioning for BJJ must be an expert in BJJ techniques. If they can’t demonstrate the techniques how can their exercises be relevant? BTW specificity also applies to flexibility as well – primal movement classes are a whole lot of work which will never improve BJJ abilities such as re-guarding.
The ability to meat hook, the ability to overhook and the ability to keep locked ankles are examples of BJJ abilities that use specific muscles and energy systems
If you are an experienced, hard-training athlete that wants to increase the amount of energy that is backing your martial arts skills consider supplemental strength and conditioning. One or two exercises are fine – you don’t need to commit to “buckshot” workouts. Determine which abilities you want to work on and look for exercises that match. At the very least do not participate in completely unrelated sports like Crossfit, gymnastics, olympic lifting, bodybuilding, powerlifting or acrobatics.
I often hear fitness influencers state: “there are no best exercises”. This is nonsense. An exercise hierarchy exists. Exercise value is absolutely subject to a set of logical, objective criteria. This set of criteria will vary by goal. The criteria for the best exercises for hypertrophy are as follows:
(ONE) STABLE
You must feel stable to lift heavy weights. Heavy weights impose high tension on target muscle fibres. Tension is half of the equation with regard to building muscle. Avoid any exercise which feature a weight limiting wobble.
Overhead Squats on gimmicks feature a narrow base and a high centre of gravity. Jodi can barely manage a half pound stick!
Deadlifts feature a broad base and a low centre of gravity. Jodi can place 175 pounds of external resistance on her glutes
(TWO) FITS THE FUNCTION OF THE TARGET MUSCLE FIBRES
The exercise (and the technique) you choose determine which muscle of the body is activated. This is way more nuanced than people think and is responsible for much failure in all fields concerned with muscle (health, performance and bodybuilding). Posture (body position) and intent (movement command) must be congruent with the functional characteristics of the target tissue.
(THREE) EMPHASIZES THE RIGHT ACTION
Muscle action is critical in regards to determining the effects of an exercise. Muscles have multiple ways they can contract and exert force. Fast, slow, statically, concentrically and eccentrically. Too fast and the muscle cannot generate enough tension and/or will rely on its elasticity . Too slow or statically and heat (from friction between filaments) will not accumulate. Emphasis on overcoming the resistance of a load (concentric action) rather than its relinquishment (eccentric action) is a HUGE muscle building mistake. I tell all my clients (those focused on building muscle) to imagine the filaments of their muscle fibres sliding apart prior to contraction.
(FOUR) FEATURES CONCENTRATED SLIDING
Friction occurs as muscle filaments slide past one another. This friction causes heat to accumulate. Sufficient heat spurs inflammation and muscle growth. Too short a range of motion and muscles rely on their elasticity (not allowing any sliding to occur). Too large a range of motion and segments of muscle filament (where heat should be building) do not have sufficient frequency of contact. Trim your rep range in exercises like squats, pectoral flyes and lateral raises but make sure enough movement is occurring to force intramuscular sliding.
(FIVE) EMPHASIZES TENSION WHEN THE MUSCLE FIBRES ARE STRETCHED
Dynamic exercises feature repetitions which occur over a range of motion. Within the range of motion is a point where, because of joint mechanics, tension is greatest. That point of peak tension must occur when the muscle is in a lengthened state. Muscles are more capable of tension (and likely damage) while in a stretched position. For HYPERTROPHY, an exercise’s mechanics must emphasize effort while the muscle is in a stretched position!
When it comes to muscular growth, reject any exercise that wobbles, bounces, is slow or completely stationary, emphasizes the contracted position, has bands or features a complex machine. Stubborn body parts, poor genetics and advancing age means most of us will struggle with building muscle mass. We will not succeed with second best.
A scientific consensus is an agreement which occurs after considerable time. If you refuse to consider propositions simply because they have yet to be backed by scientific consensus – you risk living in great ignorance. The following three propositions are not yet accepted facts. However, they are crucial to your success in the gym. Experiment with them yourself or fail to achieve your potential!
Proposition 1
Exercises which feature peak tension when the target muscle fibres are relatively long (near fully stretched) are far more effective (at producing muscle mass and strength) than exercises which feature peak tension when the target muscle fibres are relative short (near fully contracted).
Peak tension, in the context of common repetition technique, occurs where torque is greatest. Torque is determined by the perpendicular distance between two points; where force is applied and the axis of rotation. Where the two points are furthest away from each other – torque is at its greatest.
Muscles are far more capable of straining themselves against torque when they are relatively long as opposed to when they are relatively short. Strain is a primary component of the stimulus which generates increased muscular growth and strength.
Signs Science Is Catching On:
The reference below compares the squat and hip thrust in regards to hypertrophy of the glutes. The hip thrust is a clear example of an exercise which features peak tension (maximum torque on the hip joint) when the target muscles are relatively short (or near fully contracted). The hip thrust gives a great sense of muscular activation but feel and results are not congruent. Peak tension while the muscles are relatively long (or near fully stretched) is clearly superior as indicated by the greater glute hypertrophy produced by squatting.
Barbalho et al. 2020. Back Squat vs. Hip Thrust Resistance-training Programs in Well-trained Women. 10.1055/a-1082-1126
Proposition 2
Heat is the primary stimulus for muscular growth.
Thanks to our extraordinary aggressive DNA, we have discovered that a limiting factor with regard to killing many humans is the rate at which we can fire bullets. Machine guns are capable of firing bullets at an extraordinary rate, however their development required solving the problem of over-heating barrels. Many solutions to the problem of overheating barrels have been adopted. Two serve as decent analogies for muscular hypertrophy and are presented here:
Solution number one involved surrounding a single barrel with a jacket of water. This is analogous to surrounding a strand of myosin with sarcoplasmic fluid.
The Maxim machine gun is analogous to sarcoplasmic hypertrophy. Sarcoplasmic hypertrophy occurs when there is an increase of fluid within muscle fibres.
Solution number two involved implementing multiple barrels to allow for more cooling time between rounds. This is analogous to the proliferation of satellite cells and the development of more muscle fibres.
The Mini machine gun is analogous to hyperplasia. Hyperplasia refers to an increase in the number of muscle fibres.
Heat, with regards to muscles and machine guns, is the product of friction. In machine guns it the friction between the outer surface of the bullet and the inner surface of the barrel. In muscles it is the friction that occurs as actin slides along myosin. In practice, I always tell avid exercisers to try and envision the sliding of muscle fibres when performing repetitions. Much like rubbing two sticks to start a fire, muscular heat is best generated by an optimum combination of tension, duration, speed and amplitude.
Signs Science is Catching On:
The study below illustrates how heat plays a role in hypertrophy with the application of a hot plate to exercising arm muscles.
Goto K, Oda H, Morioka S, Naito T, Akema T, Kato H, Fujiya H, Nakajima Y, Sugiura T, Ohira Y. Skeletal muscle hypertrophy induced by low-intensity exercise with heat-stress in healthy human subjects. Jpn J Aerosp Environ Med. 2007;44:13–18.
This second study, referenced below, concluded that partial range of motion exercise results in greater oxygen deficit than full range of motion exercise. Hypoxia, according to the researchers, is an essential stimulus for muscular hypertrophy. However, the manner in which the triceps extension (the exercise used in the study) was performed was also optimal for the production of heat. In regards to heat generated from friction, long, infrequent repetitions allow heat to dissipate. Short, rapidly-repeated repetitions force heat to accumulate. The partial range of motion triceps extension technique also emphasized peak tension while the target fibres (media and lateral head of triceps) were at significant length.
Masahiro G et al. Partial range of motion exercise is effective for facilitating muscle hypertrophy and function via sustained intramuscular hypoxia in young trained men. Strength Cond Res. 2019 May;33(5):1286-1294. PubMed.
Proposition 3
The most powerful way to manage athletic injuries and joint issues is by strengthening weak synergists.
Muscles which share a function (such as bending the elbow) are called synergists. If one muscle within a pair of synergists becomes weak, the other muscle will have to compensate. It is the burden of compensation which causes muscles to become tight, painful and prone to tearing. Painful muscles recover rapidly once their weak synergists are strengthened and the burden of compensation removed.
ALL muscles require strong partners to recover and stay healthy!
Signs Science is Catching On:
Renowned researcher Shirley Sahrmann (PT, PHD) has stated, “when a muscle is strained, the first thing to do is look for a weak or underactive synergist”.
Occupy your mind with scientific research and reasoning. However, be willing to consider novel ideas and original thinking. Experiment with the three propositions above and your results will drastically improve. Nothing is more compelling than first-hand experience.
The Prince lived on beautiful royal grounds. Intricate gardens of colourful flowers and orderly bushes grew within acres of lush green grass. Water flowed gracefully from elegant fountains. In a few select gardens, sculptures of marble lions and broad shouldered warriors stood poised – their appearance defying the predominant sense of serenity. Two creeks carved across the land. The first, Civil Creek, was located at the centre of the royals grounds. The other, Ditch Creek, existed closer to the edge. Civil Creek was once home to all manners of fish and wildlife. When the royalty decided to straighten its banks (in an effort to groom its disposition) all fish reproduction stopped and wildlife disappeared. Ditch Creek, on the other hand, was left in its natural state. Its unregulated banks provided great habitat for all manners of life. The Prince would spend all his free time at Ditch Creek. From dawn until dusk he would muck about the shallows hunting fish and frogs. What was hidden beneath the veil of water? Or under the rocks? He revelled in every mystery. A day spent at The Creek would always end with The Prince excitedly bringing home a string of frog and fish carcasses to show his parents. The King and Queen, being good parents and seeing their son breathless with excitement, would participate with a show of praise and amazement.
In addition to providing The Prince with hunting grounds, Ditch Creek inspired an incredible array of fantasies. Enemy soldiers and dragons provided moments of thrilling tension. Those moments inspired the creation of weapons, traps and all manners of special equipment, tools and tactics. The Prince fashioned everything with amazing detail and precision. The Prince’s special aptitude would occupy all moments that were not at Ditch Creek. His parents were dazzled by the collection of swords, shields, bows, axes and catapults. They were glad to see their son exhibit such a high degree of engagement, diligence and creativity. The King and Queen, while reminding The Prince to be responsible with his creations, were generous with their compliments and encouragement.
Ditch Creek was heaven on earth to The Prince. Mosquitoes, black flies and even the cold could not deter the boy from his adventures. He learned to identify and avoid poison ivy, stinging nettles and thorny bushes. Nothing could deter him from pursuing his ambitions.
One summer day, down at Ditch Creek, the Prince was knee deep in the water chasing fish when he heard the sound of approaching voices. The Prince looked up from the water flowing between his ankles and saw that a group of four boys were walking toward him. The boys, all in their early teens, were walking along the path towards the castle. They were The Prince’s cousins who lived on properties adjacent to the royal grounds. The path, know as “The Divide” led north to the west wing of the royal castle. The west wing held a school for local boys and girls. The four cousins stopped abruptly and stared at the Prince.
“What are you doing?” Remarked one boy incredulously.
“Mucking around like a pig!” Snorted another.
“How embarrassing. We thought you were royal” laughed cousin number three.
The Prince froze. Everything around him – the fish, the water, the trees, the sunlight – vanished. His focus entirely shifted inward. How did he look? What was he feeling? How was he going to react?
The four boys stood and laughed. The Prince said nothing. He stepped out of The Creek and onto the path.
On firm ground The Prince looked down at his feet. His shoes were soaked and caked in mud. His exposed shins were scraped and dirty. Shorts and shirt were covered in nettles and the stains of smashed insects. He looked at his cousins and saw that they were all wearing the most pristine of clothing. Jewels flashed from their fingers, ears and necks. They seemed perfect and proud. The cousins resumed their walk toward the castle. The Prince followed meekly behind.
On route toward the castle, the boys would happen to pass by a gaggle of girls preoccupied with a game they were playing. The Prince watched as the cousins suddenly stiffened their posture.
“They look strong” thought the Prince.
His cousins appeared as noble as the marble warriors which decorated the royal grounds. The girls took notice. Many began to giggle and others whispered into nearby ears. The Prince, though occasionally stealing glances at those around him, kept his gaze at the ground.
The coming week was a big one for The Prince. It was time for him to graduate from “Open School” and join his cousins as well as other older students at “Closed School”. The Prince liked Open School. Every class took place in a massive terrarium which was erupting with trees and an incredible diversity of plants. The walls of enormous, glass panes allowed unhindered sunlight and a full view of the Royal grounds. The schedule at Open School provided ample time for children to roam free. The teachers would encourage students to explore their aptitudes and ensured co operative play. The Prince would spend much of the time building fortresses and bridges with the array of materials that were available. Story time was a special feature of Open School. Every day the teachers would tell tales of gruesome battle, epic adventure and grave misfortune. The Prince was lucky to have imaginative and energetic teachers that embellished every performance with exaggerated movement, gestures and facial expressions.
The Castle was an immense structure. It took The Prince twenty-five minutes to walk from the East Wing (where the royal family slept and ate) to the West Wing. Closed School formed the western boundary of the Royal Castle. The Prince did not know what to expect of Closed School. He was an optimistic child and not prone to trepidation. All he knew was Closed School was where the older children went.
When the day arrived for The Prince to attend Closed School, he set upon his new journey with his usual carefree and wandering gait. However, when he came upon Compression Hall, he found his pace began to slow and his feet grew hesitant. Compression Hall was the final leg of his walk to Closed School. On this morning The Hall looked daunting. It was incredibly long. The door at the end of The Hall, the entrance to Closed School, seemed tiny. As The Prince walked toward the door the walls seemed to narrow. Tension began to grow in his belly and head.
The door abruptly swung open and revealed a woman who gazed into The Prince:
“Come in” Said the woman. She pointed a finger to an empty chair and desk.
“We have been expecting you.”
The Prince glanced around the room. It was small. There was only one window near the back corner – right beside the desk he was supposed to occupy. As The Prince took his seat he looked at the other students who had already arrived. They were all watching him. The Prince suddenly became aware of his every movement. When he sat down he noticed that the chair was tiny. So small in fact that the Prince’s hips (which were only as wide as two apples) exceeded the boundaries of the seat. The desk was also very small. As soon as he sat down The Prince looked out the window. Off in the distance he could see the trees near the boundary of the Royal Grounds. The Prince could even see a glimmer of Ditch Creek.
Suddenly the view vanished. The woman had shut the curtains and was now glaring at The Prince.
“I am Mrs Tamer” said the woman.
“Welcome to Closed School”.
The next day the Prince found himself walking with great hesitancy to Closed School. His stomach was a knot and he felt a strange pressure in his head. When he entered the classroom he tried to make himself as inconspicuous as possible and scurried to his desk. As soon as he fit himself to the chair he began to fidget.
“Hold still!” Directed Mrs Tamer.
The Prince restrained himself and began to nervously look around the room.
“Eyes on your desk!” Commanded Mrs Tamer.
The Prince fixed his eyes on his desk. On his desk lay a piece of paper. Within the borders of the paper was the mornings lesson. The Prince looked at the collection of shapes and symbols and couldn’t imagine that they had meaning or relevance. The Prince felt his mouth go dry and he had a hard time swallowing. He promptly left his chair and headed for the water fountain located just a few steps behind him.
“Hold a minute!” Shouted Mrs Tamer.
“I did not give you permission to leave your seat”
The Prince froze.
He couldn’t understand how there could be an obstacle in the way of drinking water. At Open School fresh water and food was everywhere. Even the headwaters and tributaries of Ditch Creek (which were pristine) offered an immediate drink.
“Please return to your desk” continued the stern voice.
“No one is to leave their seat until 12 o’clock”
Mrs Tamer then directed everyone’s attention to the lesson in front of them. The Prince could not focus on the symbols. His mind kept focusing on the two hours which bound him to his seat. The Prince began to swell with anxiety.
He started to panic. How could he escape? How could he get free?
The Prince looked up at the walls and spotted a web in a corner. If only he could be as small as a spider…
The Prince’s mind began to wander. As a spider he could crawl along the walls and nobody would notice. He could swing from a thread and get a drink of water. He would be free to build intricate webs and trap a myriad of little insects….
At noon Mrs Tamer went around the classroom to check on everyone’s progress with their lesson. As usual, scribbled on the pieces paper, the teacher noted a grand variety of attempts to interpret her lesson. When she came to The Prince’s desk she had a sudden feeling of astonishment. Lying on the desk, between The Prince’s forearms, was a perfectly formed square sheet of paper. It was completely blank.
“You must not have understood the lesson!” Said Mrs Tamer.
“Very well. After lunch we will go over it again”.
After lunch, Mrs Tamer gave instructions to the class and then turned her attention to The Prince. She pulled a chair up beside him and carefully explained each step required to complete the task. She paused regularly to check if The Prince understood. Each check resulted in The Prince nodding his head in affirmation.
“Good” said Mrs Tamer with satisfaction.
“I will give you two hours to work on it by yourself and then I will return to see what you have accomplished”.
Precisely two hours later Mrs Tamer returned to The Prince’s desk. Her touch of optimism dropped when, once again, she looked at her student’s paper. Virtually nothing had changed. The page stood void of any effort.
“Not even your name?” Pondered the teacher out loud.
“Very well, we will try again tomorrow.”
A little flustered, Mrs Tamer dismissed the class and The Prince returned to the East Wing of the royal castle.
The next morning The Prince went back to Closed School with less trepidation. Mrs Tamer welcomed him and began to address the class. The Prince looked at his teacher and was impressed by her sharp attire and stout posture. He felt she could easily be a commander leading soldiers into battle. All the students could be fighting together against insurmountable odds. The story was full of blood, bodies, gleaming armour and grand weaponry.
The Prince was busy decapitating the most horrendous of tyrants when he was interrupted:
“Now let us learn to divide.”
Once again Mrs Tamer pulled up a chair next to her student. Once again she received many nods from The Prince. However, when she returned two hours later the previous day’s result would repeat.
“I know what to do.” said Mrs Tamer out loud.
“Prince, if you write down one answer I will give you a piece of chocolate.” With those words Mrs Tamer revealed a beautifully wrapped piece of candy.
The Prince looked at the page of symbols and could only shrug. Not one symbol had any meaning. Not a single explanation from his teacher had helped.
Mrs Tamer sighed. She would have to have a conversation with The King and Queen.
The King and Queen were shaken by their conversation with Mrs Tamer. They were good parents and did not understand how it could be that their son was so completely incapable of rudimentary school work. The Prince had never shown any sign of disability or disobedience. The Queen was initially furious. She felt betrayed by her own son. How could this occur after she had committed so much to him? Her fury turned to tears and she withdrew to her bedroom to mourn. The King was silent. The Prince was extremely sad. He did not know what to do.
Over the next few months The Queen, The King and Mrs Tamer tried all manners of methods in an attempt to get The Prince to do his school work. No twist or test could provide a solution. Only The Prince’s royal lineage kept him in school and graduating from one level to the next.
Years would pass by…
The Prince was sitting at his desk with his eyes turned to a corner of the classroom. In his mind he was participating in a great jousting match. Riding a magnificent beast, The Prince was duelling against the notoriously evil King of The North Lands. He was just about to smash the king’s face with his lance when the entire scene evaporated. He was no longer staring into a corner. His eye caught a trace of something nearby and it jolted him back to reality. It was long, luxurious, black hair. Hair which flowed gracefully down the backside of an extraordinary figure. Two rows ahead of The Prince, a young woman turned to speak to a class mate beside her. The Prince was mesmerized.
Princess Kontane was well known throughout the kingdoms. She was as outspoken as she was beautiful. The Princess believed very much in her perspective and was always willing to share it. One day, student artwork was being exhibited on the walls of Compression Hall. The students and Mrs Tamer toured the exhibit and commented on each drawing. Art was one of the few subjects which (occasionally) attracted The Prince’s participation. Many of the weapons he had crafted for his adventures at Ditch Creek had first been meticulously designed on paper. For this project The Prince drew a crossbow. When it came time for the class to discuss The Prince’s artwork a loud sneer cut through the normal babble:
“Weapons and violence are abhorrent!” Announced Princess Kontane.
“Hurting people is reprehensible!” The Princess continued.
The shame hit The Prince right in the stomach. The Prince would never create another weapon. In fact, he even changed his day dreams from participating in battle to participating in non-contact sport.
The Prince’s preoccupation with Princess Kontane only continued to grow. He noticed she spent a lot of her time with a well presented young man. Prince Narcy seemed to be as self-assured as he was handsome. One day in class, The Prince overheard Prince Narcy speaking to a neighbouring student:
“Extra virgin olive oil is what makes my hair beautiful and manageable. I make sure to apply two table spoons every morning. “
Prince Narcy continued:
“And my skin is so soft and smooth because it retains its moisture. Every night I lather myself in goats milk.”
This struck deep within the mind of The Prince. Perhaps his hair and skin were the key to The Princess’ approval. As soon as he returned to The East Wing he went straight to the bathroom to check his hair and skin in the mirror. In The Prince’s mind his hair was unruly and his face was marred by breakouts. The Prince felt horrendous. The next morning The Prince immediately set off to the market. He procured the most expensive hair and skin lotions he could find and immediately returned home to The Mirror. That night The Prince spent hours upon hours trying to pick and preen himself into perfection.
The Royal Grounds were commonly used for weekend gatherings. Royalty from all the neighbouring kingdoms would come and attend special events and celebrations. One hot Saturday their was a gathering of students and family members around one of the many pools on the Royal Grounds. Princess Kontane was sitting with a few of her friends. It was obvious the object of their conversation was Prince Narcy who was busy exhibiting himself in the pool.
The Prince could hear Princess Kontane and her entourage marvel over Prince Narcy. They remarked on his overall slenderness and the tightness of his waist. The Prince blushed intensely as his attention shifted to his own shape. After school, The Prince once again returned to The Mirror. This time he examined every inch of his body. It seemed to him his body was completely bereft of slenderness and his waist was despicably loose. The Prince was desperate. He recalled that Prince Narcy once imposed on everyone that part of his secret to outlandish success was the consumption of vast amounts of spinach and kale. That night The Prince decided to restrict his diet and only eat vegetables.
The next morning, after two hours of preparation in front of The Mirror, The Prince set off to school. On his walk over to The West Wing of the castle, The Prince decided he wanted to try and speak to Princess Kontane. The thought of speaking to the beautiful Princess made him very nervous.
One weekend morning, while everyone from the neighbouring kingdoms were socializing on The Royal Grounds, The Prince decided to say hello to Princess Kontane. The Princess was with a smaller entourage than usual and was siting quietly and otherwise unoccupied. The Prince approached her carefully and, with a lump in his throat and a twist in his stomach, just managed to squeak out one word:
“Hhhhiii” said The Prince.
The Princess turned to look at The Prince and the world froze. The Princess’s face turned fierce.
“How dare you!” She shouted.
“You may not address me in such a manner!”
The Princess rose to her feet and The Prince shrank.
“You have broken every rule of proper conduct!” She boomed.
“First” she continued.
“You may not address me wearing all-black! Black is far too aggressive. Please wear some pleasant colours.”
“Second” continued the reprimand.
“You must never approach me directly. You must only approach from my left side”.
“Third”
“You must stop precisely ten feet away, bow, and then await my nod of approval”.
“Should I nod in the affirmative you may then kneel on your right knee and kiss my right hand”.
The Rules continued:
“Any conversation I allow must be pretty. You must not express – in words, tone or gesture – any anger, sadness or anxiety.”
The Prince prayed that she was finished and he could quickly vanish. But The Princess continued:
“Since you are The Prince of this kingdom I will grant you one chance at redemption.”
“At precisely noon of next Wednesday, we will meet in class and you will address me properly”.
More grateful for the opportunity to leave than a second chance, The Prince fled to the castle.
For the whole week The Prince preoccupied himself with The Rules of Conduct. He was constantly in front of The Mirror. He was particularly preoccupied with his facial expressions.
“That expression looks nervous” he would say to himself.
“That expression looks bored”
“Oh no! All my expressions seem angry” he lamented.
No matter how much The Prince tried he could not tune his mouth, eyes or eyebrows to his satisfaction. The rest of his body only added to his insecurity. Even his voice defied him. The Prince practised and practised and the day of redemption drew nearer.
Finally, the day arrived when The Prince was to reattempt addressing Princess Kontane. The Rules of Conduct swirled through his head as he washed and dressed. As the Prince ate his breakfast of vegetables he suddenly paused. His usual spinach and kale tasted unusual in a way which made him worried. The Prince asked the royal chef:
“What new ingredient did you add to the dressing” he asked.
“A dash of Yamamoto paste” replied the chef.
With those words The Prince felt as though he dropped a foot through the floor.
“Yamamoto paste!” The Prince cried in his mind.
“Yamamoto paste contained fish sauce!” The crying continued.
The Prince ran upstairs to The Mirror. He felt sure he had instantly become bloated. The Mirror was ruthless. All traces of slenderness and a tight waist had vanished. As The Prince checked his figure, his attention was suddenly drawn to his face. There was a pimple on his nose! Despair flushed the blood from every vein. The Prince was in ruins. Surely he was worthless. Princess Kontane would never associate with someone so despicable. Even though he felt all was lost he dared not offend her by avoiding their meeting.
With heart full of fear and dread, The Prince began his walk to Closed School. The Rules of Conduct repeated relentlessly through his head.
Approach from the left
Ten feet and bow
Get down on right knee
Kiss right hand
No anger, sadness or anxiety
The usual walk across the castle was foreign. Everything was amplified. The statues and paintings were more imposing than ever. When The Prince arrived at Compression Hall, he had a sudden realization. His soul shrieked:
HE WAS WEARING BLACK!
He could not turn back. His time was up. The Princess was waiting. The Prince began his walk down Compression Hall. The Hall seemed even more narrow than usual. Once the Prince reached the halfway point the journey abruptly stopped being level – the hall was pointing straight down! The Prince started to tumble toward Closed School. He opened the door and dashed to his desk hoping to hold on and restore his equilibrium. As he clutched his desk The Prince saw the look on The Princess’s face. The room began to spin. The Princess was deeply offended.
By taro
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